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This programme contains
strong language

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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and adult humour that some viewers
may find offensive

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Please welcome to the stage
Greg Davies!

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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MUSIC: Boom Shack-A-Lak
by Apache Indian

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Hello.

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Hello, hello, hello, hello!

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I set myself a little challenge
at the beginning of the tour

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to see what was the most
ludicrous piece of music

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I could come on to.
I think I nailed it!

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Hello.

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AUDIENCE: Hello!

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Let me tell you before I start
the show a few things about
what it's like

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being a comedian when you
look like me.

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And what I mean by that is,
clearly,

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a middle-aged man who's never done
a day's exercise in his life.

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The trouble with comedy is,
it attracts a young, trendy
crowd.

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It tends to attract all the kids
with their trendy haircuts

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and their nice clothes and
things.

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And then you come out
looking like this and you feel
like a bit of a fraud,

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ladies and gentlemen, coming out to
all the kids... which is why

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I was delighted to come out
in Salford this evening...

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LAUGHTER

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...and see such an amazing
sea of middle-aged losers
in front of me.

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You are so welcome at my gig.

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Who is over 40 here?
Give me a cheer.

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CHEERING

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Barely got the energy
to lift their little arms. Look.

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And who is under the age of
25?

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CHEERING
Yeah, well, shut the fuck up!

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Don't ruin... This is my
recording.

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Don't ruin this for me,
with your nice skin...

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...and your hope.

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This will all be you.

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CHEERING

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..in the blink of an eye,
you little bastards!

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And I wasn't going to tell you this,
but I like you instinctively,

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so I will tell you this.

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If any of you are sitting
there with body images

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and you're worried about how
you look,

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this will make you feel better
about yourself in a heartbeat,

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cos this is true.

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I was in my flat
about three weeks ago, right?

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I went to the toilet for a shit.

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Sorry, but that's what
was happening, right?

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I went to the toilet
and, if you're feeling bad,

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prepare to feel better
about the way you look,

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cos this happened.

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I pulled my trousers and pants
down, and I started having a
poo,

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and the fucking toilet
came off the wall.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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I was mid-shit!

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I had my trou...

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I had to do this walk of shame
with my pants by my ankles
and...

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..find the guest toilet
and finish off there.

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Not even Elvis broke his toilet.

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And he died on the toilet!

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The show is called The
Back Of My Mum's Head.
"Why's that, Greg?"

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AUDIENCE: Why's that, Greg?
I'll tell you.

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That, incidentally, is the actual
back of my mum's head.

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She's fucking furious, cos it's
been on posters all over the
country,

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and it was literally the day
before her hairdressing
appointment.

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So, she's furious.

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Um, the show is based
on a catchphrase, really.

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It's based on a phrase that my
mum said to me all the way
through childhood

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when I'd done something to
piss her off

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just before she left the room,
and I saw the back of her head
sailing away, right?

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I'll show the phrase
before I go any further.

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I heard it for a good 20 years.

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This is it.

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"It's not normal love."

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Now, an English teacher who was
in the audience a few nights ago

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did point out that, technically,
that should have a comma in it,

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so it doesn't sound like dirty
sex. Um...

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I never was a good teacher.

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"It's not normal, love!"
she would say,

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when I did something that
made her question the way
she'd brought me up.

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I'll give you an example.

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I once drew a cock and balls
on the roof of my mum's car.

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Fair enough, man, right?

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Now, I would have got away
with it

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if I hadn't overheard my mum
say something

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and I had to intervene.

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And this gives you an early
indication of what my mum's
like.

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I overheard her go, "Bob,"
to my dad.

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"Bob...

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"I think someone's got a
vendetta against the family."

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And he went, "What do you
mean?"

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And she said, "Well, someone appears
to have drawn

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"a weird gang symbol
on the roof of my car."

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I went, "I'm sorry, it's not a gang
symbol, it's a cock and balls.
I drew it."

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And she looked from a different
angle and she went, "It is a cock
and balls.

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"Why do you do these things?!

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"It's not normal, love!"

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I once dressed our family dog
Rex up

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in a pair of my dad's
massive white underpants.

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Rex reacted in the only way
that a dog can react to that
situation,

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which led to the greatest
sentence I've ever heard,

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particularly from my mother.
It's awesome. Here it is in full.

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"Oh, my God!

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"Why am I cleaning dog shit
out of your dad's pants?

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"It's not normal, love!"

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I haven't heard, "It's not normal,
love!" for years.

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This year, and this is the
reason for this whole show,
I've heard it twice.

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The first time, it didn't really
register.

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Um, it...

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it was earlier this year,
my mum decided she would
address my weight.

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She addressed my weight as
only a mother would dare
address a child's weight.

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This was her opening
sentence. Ready?

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"Oh, Greg, you are
disgustingly fat."

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I said, "I've got a bit of a belly."

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She goes, "You haven't got a bit of
a belly.

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"You look seven and a half
months pregnant. It's not
normal, love."

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Now...

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I decided I would go to Argos
and I would buy some weights.

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So I did. They were £29.99.

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They were in a little black
case.

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And I lifted them in their little
black case, the barbells, from
Argos counter,

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and I took them the two-minute walk
to the boot of my car.

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This was in January of this
year.

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Guess where they are now?

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Fuck that! They hurt!

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They hurt me!

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But two great things came out
of that two-minute journey.

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My body...

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and my mouth,

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at a point during the journey,

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both made noises that I hadn't
planned for them to make.

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So I lifted up the weights
from the counter,

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and my knees sounded like
a bowl of Rice Krispies, right?

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It was, "Pop, pop, pop, pop,
pop, pop!"

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So I was already giggling
halfway across the journey.

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Then, in the second minute of
the journey,

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my mouth started making a noise I've
never heard before or since.

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But I can show you what it was.
This was it.

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CACKLES

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What is that?

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And it got worse as I walked.

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Pop, pop, pop!
CACKLES

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CACKLES

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I was pissing myself laughing
by the time...

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I laughed for about half an
hour.

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Then I realised that that was
my fifth favourite involuntary
noise of all time.

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Obviously, I've compiled all
five of them for your
entertainment tonight.

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This is your first bit of
interaction.

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I want you to sing
the old-fashioned chart music

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in-between my favourite
involuntary noises.

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And I warn you now, if you don't
join in... I've locked the doors.
...you're here all night.

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So just come in hard.

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HUMS THEME TO
Pick Of The Pops

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Right? We'll start
with my fifth favourite
involuntary noise,

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which you've heard, as a test.

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And then I'll move through
the others. Are you ready?

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Coming in at number five!

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MUTED HUMMING
No. I'm fucking serious.

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I will keep you prisoner.

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Five times louder.

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This is an important chart.

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My five favourite
involuntary noises of all time.

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Coming in at number five!

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AUDIENCE SINGS LOUDLY

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Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

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Coming in at number four!

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AUDIENCE SINGS LOUDLY

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I once slapped my friend Matthew
Delaney across the face

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with a family pack of pitta
breads.

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If you've never done it, I can't
recommend it highly enough.

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It makes an incredibly
satisfying thud.

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He was furious.

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He would have been.
He was driving at the time.

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What I like about the
involuntary noise

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is you'd expect him
to be really angry with me,

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but what came out of his
mouth was surprisingly camp.

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I'll try and do it justice
for you tonight.
CLEARS THROAT

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THUD
"Ooh!

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Lovely, lovely.

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Simple.

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So simple.

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Coming in at number three!

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AUDIENCE HUMS LOUDLY

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I go to a little village in Spain
quite a lot.

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It's in Andalusia. It's beautiful.

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I go there cos it's quiet
and a simple life and...

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I went there last summer,

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and the locals, ladies and
gentlemen, they eat a very
simple diet.

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They largely eat just meat
and cheese.

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That's about it, really,
as far as I can work out.

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So last summer, I decided
that I would join the locals

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and for the first two days of my
holiday, I ate only meat and cheese.

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Well...

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Let me tell you, the effect was
fucking awesome.

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I don't want to overstate this,

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but it's important you know
how serious the situation was.

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So try and get your heads
round the sentence.

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On that particular day, on day
three of my holiday, ladies and
gentlemen,

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00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:09,160
on that particular day,

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00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:13,040
I was farting more often

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than I had not been farting.

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Do you understand
how serious that is?

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The fart-to-silence ratio
had been completely reversed.

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It was... I was guffing...

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A continual stream of hot guff
coming out of my...

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Pfff!

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Pfff! Pff!

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00:10:34,880 --> 00:10:36,240
It was fucking aw... Pff!

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Well, I don't mind telling you,
I can't remember being happier.

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00:10:39,280 --> 00:10:42,160
Pfffff!

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Then my friends told me

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00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:48,160
that we were going down to
the village to a Catholic
religious festival that night,

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00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:51,600
so I thought, "Shit, I'm going to
have to cork this bad boy."

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00:10:51,640 --> 00:10:53,200
It's a pretty full-on festival.

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They have, like, a 25-foot
papier-mache Jesus...gets led
through the town,

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and I thought, "I can't be guffing
in front of massive Jesus.

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00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:02,640
"Of course I can't."

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00:11:02,680 --> 00:11:05,320
So I'm going to have to hold it in.

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00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:07,640
So we walked into town,
and I held it in.

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00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:13,680
I knew within a minute
I was in serious trouble.

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I knew that I was brewing
a legendary fart.

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00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:22,200
The fartologists in the audience,
you'll have heard of this,

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it's often spoken about.

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People think it's a myth, but it
is true.

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It's the legendary
single-puff, single-clap fart.

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00:11:29,360 --> 00:11:30,920
LAUGHTER

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00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:35,280
Some of you have heard of it,
clearly. It's...

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00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:39,120
it's so-called, of course... Those
of you who are experts will know.

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00:11:39,160 --> 00:11:43,520
...so-called because there's such an
amazing build-up of gas
that when you release it,

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the buttocks don't have chance to
react in the traditional way.

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00:11:46,560 --> 00:11:48,400
There's no...pfff...
when it comes out.

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00:11:48,440 --> 00:11:51,840
Just one puff of gas followed by one
clap of the buttocks, and we're out.

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00:11:51,880 --> 00:11:52,960
so...

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00:11:57,000 --> 00:11:58,360
Obviously, I was very excited.

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00:11:58,400 --> 00:12:01,160
How many single puffs, single
claps do you see in a lifetime?

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00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:03,880
One, possibly two, maximum.

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00:12:03,920 --> 00:12:06,320
So I was excited, but I knew I
couldn't just let it go.

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00:12:06,360 --> 00:12:09,520
I had to wait for massive
Jesus to come past.

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00:12:09,560 --> 00:12:11,680
Fuck me! He took his time!

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00:12:11,720 --> 00:12:13,320
Trundling by on his little cross.

240
00:12:13,360 --> 00:12:17,200
I was going, "Come on, Jesus,
I'm going to puff here, mate!"

241
00:12:17,240 --> 00:12:20,200
And, of course, I had to wait for a
clearing in the crowd.

242
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:23,160
You can't just let
a single puff, single clap out.

243
00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:25,440
You could break an arm with
one of these.

244
00:12:26,760 --> 00:12:30,520
Then I saw a gap and I
thought, "Great, I'm going to
let this bad boy go now."

245
00:12:30,560 --> 00:12:32,960
I started to release the gate,
right?

246
00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:36,400
I was excited.

247
00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:38,520
Something incredible happened.

248
00:12:38,560 --> 00:12:41,640
And might I just tell you,
this is absolutely true,

249
00:12:41,680 --> 00:12:44,800
the second I released the
single-puff, single-clap fart,

250
00:12:44,840 --> 00:12:47,080
the biggest fart I've ever done
in my entire life,

251
00:12:47,120 --> 00:12:49,200
the legend that is
the single puff, single clap,

252
00:12:49,240 --> 00:12:51,120
a Spanish man who I hadn't
seen...

253
00:12:53,160 --> 00:12:55,640
..made his way behind me
and just for a split second,

254
00:12:55,680 --> 00:12:57,680
he placed his hand against my ass.

255
00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:04,880
The resulting soundscape and
involuntary noise was...remarkable.

256
00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:06,920
I'll try...

257
00:13:08,480 --> 00:13:11,240
I'll try and do it justice for you.
It's very difficult.

258
00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:14,520
BREATHES OUT

259
00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:18,520
Pfffff!

260
00:13:18,560 --> 00:13:20,200
SPANISH ACCENT: Hey!

261
00:13:20,240 --> 00:13:21,800
Floored. He was floored.

262
00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:24,960
APPLAUSE

263
00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:32,640
Coming in at number two!

264
00:13:32,680 --> 00:13:35,080
AUDIENCE HUMS LOUDLY

265
00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:42,280
My friend Darren is the biggest loser
I've ever met in my life.

266
00:13:42,320 --> 00:13:44,720
He's a lovely man,
and I love him dearly, but...

267
00:13:44,760 --> 00:13:48,040
He lives in Singapore, he has
an awful job, which he hates,

268
00:13:48,080 --> 00:13:49,360
so his life is miserable there.

269
00:13:49,400 --> 00:13:52,640
But the main reason he's so miserable
and his life is so awful

270
00:13:52,680 --> 00:13:55,040
is because he married
the most horrible human being

271
00:13:55,080 --> 00:13:56,560
I've ever met in my life.

272
00:13:56,600 --> 00:13:58,600
Awful, awful woman.

273
00:13:58,640 --> 00:14:01,160
Um, a lot of people won't say this.
I will.

274
00:14:01,200 --> 00:14:02,840
I hope she dies.

275
00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:13,080
I don't. I don't wish death upon
anyone. Of course I don't.

276
00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:15,560
But if she does die, fine.

277
00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:19,600
So I went to see him
on my way to Australia last year,

278
00:14:19,640 --> 00:14:22,560
and he told me the saddest story
you'll ever hear.

279
00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:25,120
He told they that he didn't get
many kicks these days,

280
00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:28,440
so he was up in his bedroom one day
and he spied that his neighbour,

281
00:14:28,480 --> 00:14:33,440
a relatively attractive middle-aged
lady, was sunbathing topless
in the garden.

282
00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:36,600
So he thought, "I will watch her
from my bedroom window

283
00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:40,040
"and I will 'enjoy myself'

284
00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:42,960
"in a special boy's way."

285
00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:46,480
Then he realised she might be able
to see him "enjoying himself",

286
00:14:46,520 --> 00:14:50,000
so he pulled down the roller blind
on his bedroom window

287
00:14:50,040 --> 00:14:54,400
and then he realised he couldn't get
to himself to have a nice time.

288
00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:58,360
So he did one of the most
heartbreaking things
you'll ever hear.

289
00:14:58,400 --> 00:15:00,640
He went down into his own kitchen...

290
00:15:00,680 --> 00:15:02,840
he got a sharp knife...

291
00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:05,160
while his wife was in the front room,

292
00:15:05,200 --> 00:15:06,640
and he chopped a hole

293
00:15:06,680 --> 00:15:09,160
in his own fucking roller blind...

294
00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:11,880
and he opened up a wank hole, right?

295
00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:18,360
Have you heard anything sadder
in your life?

296
00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:20,000
I said to him, "Dave, for..."

297
00:15:20,040 --> 00:15:21,600
Oh, not Dave. That's his real name.

298
00:15:21,640 --> 00:15:23,000
LAUGHTER

299
00:15:31,280 --> 00:15:33,280
LOUDLY: You will not remember Dave.

300
00:15:35,120 --> 00:15:37,080
You will only remember Darren.

301
00:15:38,760 --> 00:15:39,880
You will...

302
00:15:39,920 --> 00:15:42,400
you will not use Twitter.

303
00:15:42,440 --> 00:15:44,880
LAUGHTER

304
00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:52,760
So, Darren...

305
00:15:55,600 --> 00:15:59,360
..he pulled his trousers
and his pants down,
and he got ready to enjoy himself.

306
00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:01,440
You can guess the rest of the story.

307
00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:03,560
She came up, went, "Oh, Darren!"
caught him.

308
00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:06,000
Now, what I love about the noise
he made...

309
00:16:06,040 --> 00:16:08,320
And, obviously, I wasn't there,
he told me about this.

310
00:16:08,360 --> 00:16:10,720
What I love about the noise
that came out of his mouth...

311
00:16:10,760 --> 00:16:13,240
You would think he would
scream the neighbourhood down.

312
00:16:13,280 --> 00:16:16,120
What came out of his mouth
was the noise of a small animal.

313
00:16:16,160 --> 00:16:17,320
Here it comes.

314
00:16:17,360 --> 00:16:18,840
"Oh! Darren!"

315
00:16:18,880 --> 00:16:20,520
HE HOOTS

316
00:16:29,840 --> 00:16:31,760
Coming in at number one!

317
00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:34,720
AUDIENCE HUMS LOUDLY

318
00:16:37,160 --> 00:16:40,840
My mother came to stay with me
a few years ago when...

319
00:16:40,880 --> 00:16:42,840
when...I lived with

320
00:16:42,880 --> 00:16:45,360
a big Geordie lad called Chris.
I shared a flat with him.

321
00:16:45,400 --> 00:16:47,920
And my mum decided
that in the middle of the night,

322
00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:49,320
she would go for an old-lady wee.

323
00:16:49,360 --> 00:16:51,000
Um...

324
00:16:51,040 --> 00:16:54,920
and then she went back to what
she perceived was her bedroom.

325
00:16:56,560 --> 00:16:58,840
It wasn't her bedroom.
It was Chris's bedroom.

326
00:16:58,880 --> 00:17:00,800
He didn't even know she was staying.

327
00:17:00,840 --> 00:17:04,480
So, he woke up with an old lady in
her nightie at the bottom of the bed.

328
00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:06,000
He went, "Oh!"

329
00:17:06,040 --> 00:17:07,680
She went, "Oh-oh-oh!"

330
00:17:07,720 --> 00:17:10,040
and ran back to her room, right?

331
00:17:10,080 --> 00:17:11,800
Chris told me about this
over breakfast.

332
00:17:11,840 --> 00:17:14,800
You have to know
my mum is wonderful, incidentally,

333
00:17:14,840 --> 00:17:17,800
but is the most easily embarrassed
human being I've ever met.

334
00:17:17,840 --> 00:17:21,040
So when Chris told me about this,
I knew she would be horrified.

335
00:17:21,080 --> 00:17:25,280
And I was laughing my head off
before she even got downstairs.

336
00:17:25,320 --> 00:17:28,440
Then she came into the kitchen
and she was beetroot red.

337
00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:32,120
She went, "Oh, Chris." Straight in.

338
00:17:32,160 --> 00:17:35,600
"I'm so sorry.
I'm so embarrassed about last night.

339
00:17:35,640 --> 00:17:38,320
"I'm so embarrassed
about last night."

340
00:17:38,360 --> 00:17:41,480
He went, "Mrs Davies, it's fine.
Anyone could have made that mistake.

341
00:17:41,520 --> 00:17:44,480
"Don't be so silly. I went straight
back to sleep. It's fine."

342
00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:45,880
She went, "Oh, God, thank you.

343
00:17:45,920 --> 00:17:48,000
"I haven't slept a wink worrying
about it.

344
00:17:48,040 --> 00:17:50,000
"Thank you so much."

345
00:17:50,040 --> 00:17:51,160
He went, "It's fine."

346
00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:54,880
Then she said this...

347
00:17:56,600 --> 00:17:59,280
"Oh, dear.

348
00:17:59,320 --> 00:18:02,760
"I bet you thought I was going to
sit on your face, didn't you?"

349
00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:14,560
20 minutes later, I explained the
modern-day meaning of the expression

350
00:18:14,600 --> 00:18:17,760
"to sit on someone's face"
to my mother,

351
00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:19,400
and she made this noise.

352
00:18:19,440 --> 00:18:22,480
HE YELPS

353
00:18:30,760 --> 00:18:34,760
A lot of people would leave those
involuntary noises where they are.

354
00:18:34,800 --> 00:18:36,360
That's a little section finished.

355
00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:38,200
I'm not a lot of people.

356
00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:41,040
I've created the beautiful
soundscape.

357
00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:44,000
This took me two days...

358
00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:46,120
of my life...to prepare it.

359
00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:49,080
Honestly, the audiences so far
on my tour

360
00:18:49,120 --> 00:18:52,720
have not been as grateful
as I would like them to be.

361
00:18:52,760 --> 00:18:55,520
But I'm in Salford now,
a place of culture,

362
00:18:55,560 --> 00:18:57,320
and I'm sure I...

363
00:18:58,840 --> 00:19:03,440
I'm sure I'll get a better response
for the hard work that I put into it.

364
00:19:03,480 --> 00:19:05,480
Thank you so much.

365
00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:07,120
HOOTS ON SOUNDSCAPE

366
00:19:07,160 --> 00:19:08,960
THUD
'Ooh!'

367
00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:11,560
'Pffff!'
SPANISH ACCENT: 'Hey!'

368
00:19:11,600 --> 00:19:12,920
That was the fart.

369
00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:14,760
'Oh-oh-oh!'
This is Mum. I've looped her.

370
00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:16,600
I've looped Mum.

371
00:19:16,640 --> 00:19:19,880
'Oh-oh-oh! Oh-oh-oh!'

372
00:19:19,920 --> 00:19:22,080
BEATBOX STARTS

373
00:19:22,120 --> 00:19:26,440
ALL SOUNDS PLAY TOGETHER

374
00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:38,600
LOW-PITCHED: 'Oh-oh-oh!'

375
00:19:38,640 --> 00:19:40,080
SPANISH ACCENT: 'Hey!'

376
00:19:40,120 --> 00:19:41,760
Thank you.

377
00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:43,280
That's yours.

378
00:19:43,320 --> 00:19:45,840
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

379
00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:49,680
I had a review of this section of my
show from a reviewer I really admire

380
00:19:49,720 --> 00:19:51,880
and, you know,
he was nice about the whole show,

381
00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:53,320
but here, this is what he said.

382
00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:54,680
"At this point in his show,

383
00:19:54,720 --> 00:19:58,360
"Davies plays out a series of
soundscapes he created at home.

384
00:19:58,400 --> 00:20:01,000
"Largely for his own amusement."

385
00:20:02,640 --> 00:20:03,640
Prick.

386
00:20:05,440 --> 00:20:06,760
And I...

387
00:20:06,800 --> 00:20:10,240
I'd love to tell you that was
the first review I've had
for those soundscapes.

388
00:20:10,280 --> 00:20:12,360
It isn't. It's the second review
I've had.

389
00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:14,760
I've written down the first one
because it was from my mum,

390
00:20:14,800 --> 00:20:17,240
and I wanted to get it right,
so I've written it down.

391
00:20:17,280 --> 00:20:19,680
I played her those sounds
after two days of work, saying,

392
00:20:19,720 --> 00:20:21,920
"This is one of the things
I'm going to do in my show."

393
00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:23,800
And this is what she said...

394
00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:25,520
"What's wrong with you, Greg?

395
00:20:26,840 --> 00:20:28,080
"You're a grown man.

396
00:20:29,400 --> 00:20:32,720
"You've always wasted your time
on rubbish like this.

397
00:20:32,760 --> 00:20:34,520
"Why not buy a house,

398
00:20:34,560 --> 00:20:36,320
"or try and get a girl pregnant?

399
00:20:38,360 --> 00:20:41,200
"It's not normal, love."

400
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:43,040
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

401
00:20:47,840 --> 00:20:50,680
And it really landed,
that "it's not normal".

402
00:20:50,720 --> 00:20:52,960
I thought, "Oh, my God,
am I not normal?"

403
00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:55,680
So I started to obsess about
what is normal. Are you normal?

404
00:20:55,720 --> 00:20:57,080
Are these people normal?

405
00:20:57,120 --> 00:20:59,800
I was walking past people in the
street, going, "Are they normal?"

406
00:20:59,840 --> 00:21:01,920
So I thought, "Hang on,
let's get scientific."

407
00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:04,240
So I started watching behaviour
of people.

408
00:21:04,280 --> 00:21:06,640
I started with my niece, right?
My niece is...

409
00:21:06,680 --> 00:21:08,320
I went on holiday with my niece.

410
00:21:08,360 --> 00:21:09,880
Not just her, by the way.

411
00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:11,720
She's only two, little Daisy.

412
00:21:11,760 --> 00:21:13,720
And my sister was there
and the family.

413
00:21:13,760 --> 00:21:16,960
And I thought, "I'm going
to start watching her to see
how normal she is."

414
00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:19,080
Who's got kids here? Give me a cheer.

415
00:21:19,120 --> 00:21:20,680
CHEERING
Are they normal?

416
00:21:20,720 --> 00:21:23,440
SOME AUDIENCE MEMBERS: No.
No. They're fucking mental!

417
00:21:23,480 --> 00:21:26,920
They're all mental!
And they're getting away with it!

418
00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:30,800
I watched that girl for two weeks,
and I love Daisy, she's awesome,

419
00:21:30,840 --> 00:21:33,680
but she talks when she wants.
That's not normal.

420
00:21:33,720 --> 00:21:35,760
And she talks about what she wants

421
00:21:35,800 --> 00:21:38,360
and she only wants to talk
about one thing.

422
00:21:38,400 --> 00:21:41,840
And that is
what she's wearing on her feet.

423
00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:45,200
For two weeks, every day,
this was it.

424
00:21:45,240 --> 00:21:47,240
HIGH-PITCHED:
"I've got my flip-flops on."

425
00:21:47,280 --> 00:21:48,280
OK.

426
00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:50,400
"I haven't got my flip-flops on."

427
00:21:50,440 --> 00:21:51,440
Right.

428
00:21:51,480 --> 00:21:53,280
"I've lost my flip-flops.

429
00:21:53,320 --> 00:21:56,240
"Uncle Greg,
I think my flip-flop's in the pool."

430
00:21:56,280 --> 00:21:57,920
OK, well, we'll get it out.

431
00:21:57,960 --> 00:22:00,520
"I'm going to wear
my pretty princess shoes tonight.

432
00:22:00,560 --> 00:22:03,480
"I'm going to wear...
I haven't got my flip-flops any more.

433
00:22:03,520 --> 00:22:06,320
"Uncle Greg, do you think I'll be
able to get some new flip-flops?"

434
00:22:06,360 --> 00:22:09,440
How about you shut the fuck up?!

435
00:22:09,480 --> 00:22:13,480
I love you,
but enough with your fucking feet!

436
00:22:13,520 --> 00:22:15,880
And it made me think about
my own childhood.

437
00:22:15,920 --> 00:22:19,800
I remember being in a science lesson
with a lad called David Hughes.

438
00:22:19,840 --> 00:22:22,640
I was doing my work.
Hughes nudged me and he went,

439
00:22:22,680 --> 00:22:25,760
"Oi, Davies, give me a number
between 1 and 20."

440
00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:28,480
And I went, "Um, 13."

441
00:22:28,520 --> 00:22:30,440
And he went, "Yeah, yeah, cheers."

442
00:22:30,480 --> 00:22:35,200
I carried on working.
I turned back five minutes later.
Hughes was doing this...

443
00:22:35,240 --> 00:22:36,960
HE YELPS

444
00:22:45,320 --> 00:22:48,320
I went, "What the fuck's wrong
with you, Hughes?"

445
00:22:48,360 --> 00:22:51,680
He'd found a jar of yeast tablets
in a drawer

446
00:22:51,720 --> 00:22:53,320
and he'd eaten 13.

447
00:22:53,360 --> 00:22:56,560
LAUGHTER

448
00:22:56,600 --> 00:23:00,200
Who does that?! He had to go
to hospital.

449
00:23:00,240 --> 00:23:01,960
And not an adult blinked an eye.

450
00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:04,160
"Oh, he's a child.
He's eaten 13 yeast tablets.

451
00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:05,560
"Of course he fucking has!"

452
00:23:05,600 --> 00:23:08,960
It's insane!

453
00:23:09,000 --> 00:23:11,640
And let me ask you this. Who's got
a younger brother or sister here?

454
00:23:11,680 --> 00:23:13,040
Give me a cheer.
CHEERING

455
00:23:13,080 --> 00:23:14,920
Right. And of those people
who cheered,

456
00:23:14,960 --> 00:23:17,400
give me another cheer if,
when you were kids,

457
00:23:17,440 --> 00:23:20,000
you made that person's life a misery.

458
00:23:20,040 --> 00:23:21,280
CHEERING

459
00:23:21,320 --> 00:23:23,400
All of us! It's not normal.

460
00:23:23,440 --> 00:23:25,360
My sister's four years younger
than me.

461
00:23:25,400 --> 00:23:29,480
The things I did to that girl
would sit perfectly comfortably
in Guantanamo Bay.

462
00:23:29,520 --> 00:23:33,360
They're awful. I invented ga...
I invented a game

463
00:23:33,400 --> 00:23:38,840
when she was six years of age
called Swingball sting-ball, right?

464
00:23:41,200 --> 00:23:42,640
I...

465
00:23:42,680 --> 00:23:46,720
I would stand her on an X in the
garden and I'd get a Swingball

466
00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:49,520
and I'd just smash it into her face.

467
00:23:49,560 --> 00:23:51,360
Those were the rules.

468
00:23:51,400 --> 00:23:54,360
And after being hit six times,
she'd go, "Can I have a go now?"

469
00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:56,360
And I'd go,
"No, I don't want to play any more.

470
00:23:56,400 --> 00:23:57,760
"See you later."

471
00:24:07,400 --> 00:24:10,880
Only people, in my opinion,
under the age of 16

472
00:24:10,920 --> 00:24:12,360
say what the fuck they want.

473
00:24:12,400 --> 00:24:15,480
We stop saying the first thing
that comes into our heads.

474
00:24:15,520 --> 00:24:17,240
And I think we stop at about 17.

475
00:24:17,280 --> 00:24:19,480
And I've got a theory as to why.

476
00:24:19,520 --> 00:24:22,320
I think, when you hit 17,

477
00:24:22,360 --> 00:24:25,400
you either make a tit of yourself

478
00:24:25,440 --> 00:24:28,440
or you see someone else
make a tit of themselves.

479
00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:30,280
For me, it was the latter.

480
00:24:30,320 --> 00:24:32,880
I was at university
with a lad called Nick,

481
00:24:32,920 --> 00:24:35,120
who I'd only met for the first week
of university.

482
00:24:35,160 --> 00:24:36,840
We were all excited to be there,

483
00:24:36,880 --> 00:24:39,400
getting to know each other,
testing the water.

484
00:24:39,440 --> 00:24:42,880
We had a game of truth or dare
in the college bar.

485
00:24:42,920 --> 00:24:45,880
And Nick got a bit overexcited,
right?

486
00:24:45,920 --> 00:24:47,000
And he went...

487
00:24:47,040 --> 00:24:50,280
GIGGLING: "I've got a truth.
I've got a truth."

488
00:24:50,320 --> 00:24:53,040
We went, "OK, Nick,
what's your truth?"

489
00:24:53,080 --> 00:24:55,480
And he went, "Um, you know...

490
00:24:55,520 --> 00:24:57,280
"You know when you're about 12

491
00:24:57,320 --> 00:24:59,640
"and you've never felt a girl's tits
before,

492
00:24:59,680 --> 00:25:02,480
"and you really want to know
what a girl's tits feel like?

493
00:25:02,520 --> 00:25:05,080
"Well, I went into our front room
at home,

494
00:25:05,120 --> 00:25:06,640
"and my nan was asleep..."

495
00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:13,640
We all went, "Ugh, NO!"

496
00:25:13,680 --> 00:25:15,600
And he went,
"I didn't do it, I didn't do it."

497
00:25:15,640 --> 00:25:18,480
We went, "You fucking did!"

498
00:25:18,520 --> 00:25:20,040
It ruined his life.

499
00:25:20,080 --> 00:25:22,920
Nicky Nan's Tits, he was called.

500
00:25:22,960 --> 00:25:24,480
Three years.

501
00:25:24,520 --> 00:25:27,360
Every time he came into a room -
"What are we doing tonight, lads?"

502
00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:30,680
"We're going round to your nan's
house, you fucking pervert."

503
00:25:32,920 --> 00:25:36,160
And every person in that room went,
"Oh, my God.

504
00:25:36,200 --> 00:25:38,080
"You can't say what you want
any more.

505
00:25:38,120 --> 00:25:40,360
"You've got to think
before you speak now."

506
00:25:40,400 --> 00:25:44,520
And I think what happens is everybody
who sees something like that

507
00:25:44,560 --> 00:25:47,240
puts a filter in,
between brain and mouth -

508
00:25:47,280 --> 00:25:49,000
the adult filter, I call it.

509
00:25:49,040 --> 00:25:51,200
We go, "Christ, I'm not going to just
say anything.

510
00:25:51,240 --> 00:25:53,680
"I'm going to think before I speak."
Boff!

511
00:25:54,880 --> 00:25:58,040
Does that mean we become normal?

512
00:25:59,160 --> 00:26:00,840
No.

513
00:26:00,880 --> 00:26:06,240
I put it to you there is not one
normal human being in this room.

514
00:26:06,280 --> 00:26:09,760
And I mean it. And I'm going
to prove something to you now.

515
00:26:09,800 --> 00:26:12,440
Who's with your partner?
Give me a little wave.

516
00:26:12,480 --> 00:26:14,800
Right, I want you to look
at your partner now

517
00:26:14,840 --> 00:26:17,040
for the whole duration
of this next sentence.

518
00:26:17,080 --> 00:26:18,800
Look at them. In the face,

519
00:26:18,840 --> 00:26:20,760
in the eyes.

520
00:26:20,800 --> 00:26:22,000
Look at them.

521
00:26:22,040 --> 00:26:23,680
And now listen to this.

522
00:26:23,720 --> 00:26:25,720
While I say this, keep looking.

523
00:26:25,760 --> 00:26:28,120
The person you are now looking at,

524
00:26:28,160 --> 00:26:29,800
I promise you,

525
00:26:29,840 --> 00:26:32,160
no matter how long
you've been with them,

526
00:26:32,200 --> 00:26:34,120
on a daily basis,

527
00:26:34,160 --> 00:26:37,160
will think something that,
if you heard it,

528
00:26:37,200 --> 00:26:38,960
you would fucking leave them.

529
00:26:46,840 --> 00:26:49,640
They'll deny it. They'll go, "I don't
know what he's talking about.

530
00:26:49,680 --> 00:26:51,360
"I don't know what
he's talking about."

531
00:26:51,400 --> 00:26:52,920
It's absolutely true.

532
00:26:52,960 --> 00:26:56,000
We are all absolutely fucking insane

533
00:26:56,040 --> 00:26:59,760
and we're clinging onto sanity
by our fingertips, right?

534
00:26:59,800 --> 00:27:02,920
And I think it a shame,
because a lot of fun goes with that.

535
00:27:02,960 --> 00:27:05,440
So I want to stop it.
I want to free everyone up.

536
00:27:05,480 --> 00:27:08,280
And I'll start the ball rolling
tonight, right? I'll tell you this.

537
00:27:08,320 --> 00:27:10,720
I went to my friend's wedding
recently.

538
00:27:10,760 --> 00:27:13,280
I love my friend.
He's a dear friend of mine.

539
00:27:13,320 --> 00:27:15,160
But I spent the whole ceremony

540
00:27:15,200 --> 00:27:18,280
fantasising about head-butting
his wedding cake.

541
00:27:20,040 --> 00:27:22,560
I don't know why, but I swear to God,

542
00:27:22,600 --> 00:27:24,720
I almost did it.
I was this close to going,

543
00:27:24,760 --> 00:27:26,880
"Excuse me, everyone,
can I have your attention?

544
00:27:26,920 --> 00:27:28,560
"I know it's a lovely wedding,
but..."

545
00:27:28,600 --> 00:27:29,600
HE YELLS

546
00:27:31,280 --> 00:27:33,640
You'll all be sitting there now
going, "That's just you.

547
00:27:33,680 --> 00:27:35,800
"You're just abnormal,
you're just a weirdo."

548
00:27:35,840 --> 00:27:37,400
All right, let me ask you this.

549
00:27:37,440 --> 00:27:39,960
And I want you to answer
by way of a cheer.

550
00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:43,360
How many of you have ever been
in charge of a car, driving,

551
00:27:43,400 --> 00:27:45,480
with people you love in that car,

552
00:27:45,520 --> 00:27:47,280
at some point in your life,

553
00:27:47,320 --> 00:27:49,120
and have thought to yourself,

554
00:27:49,160 --> 00:27:50,880
"All it takes is this...

555
00:27:53,440 --> 00:27:55,640
"..and we're all dead"?

556
00:27:55,680 --> 00:27:58,280
That's not normal, folks.

557
00:27:58,320 --> 00:28:01,640
And I think it's a shame
that we don't just free up a bit.

558
00:28:01,680 --> 00:28:05,200
So I'm trying to start a movement
where we all start speaking
our minds a bit more.

559
00:28:05,240 --> 00:28:06,680
And I'm going to help you.

560
00:28:06,720 --> 00:28:09,520
I've written some things down
on these boards here

561
00:28:09,560 --> 00:28:13,560
that have been said to me
by people I know over the years

562
00:28:13,600 --> 00:28:18,120
and I want you to feel free about
yourselves once you've heard these.

563
00:28:18,160 --> 00:28:20,000
My friend Peter is a banker.

564
00:28:20,040 --> 00:28:22,800
He invited me round to his house

565
00:28:22,840 --> 00:28:25,160
to see his new espresso
coffee machine.

566
00:28:27,840 --> 00:28:32,720
I popped to the toilet while he fired
the beast up for the first time.

567
00:28:32,760 --> 00:28:35,600
From the toilet,
I heard these noises.

568
00:28:35,640 --> 00:28:38,480
HE CLICKS

569
00:28:38,520 --> 00:28:39,960
HE BLOWS

570
00:28:40,000 --> 00:28:42,160
"Argh! Argh!

571
00:28:42,200 --> 00:28:46,840
"Oh, God! Oh, fuck, no!"

572
00:28:46,880 --> 00:28:49,320
I ran out.
The steam had come out of the machine

573
00:28:49,360 --> 00:28:52,400
and it had taken all of the skin
off Pete's arm.

574
00:28:52,440 --> 00:28:54,880
It was red, it was bubbling flesh.

575
00:28:54,920 --> 00:28:56,880
It was awful. I went, "Oh, my God."

576
00:28:56,920 --> 00:28:58,480
He went, "Oh, oh, God!"

577
00:28:58,520 --> 00:29:01,120
And I went,
"Mate, put it under a cold tap,

578
00:29:01,160 --> 00:29:03,440
"put it under a cold tap,
for God's sake."

579
00:29:07,080 --> 00:29:08,760
This is what he replied.

580
00:29:08,800 --> 00:29:10,600
Get ready.

581
00:29:22,840 --> 00:29:26,600
Who punishes individual body parts?

582
00:29:26,640 --> 00:29:28,720
"Oh, I'd love to have
a shag tonight, love."

583
00:29:28,760 --> 00:29:31,520
"I can't, I'm afraid.
My dick's on the naughty step."

584
00:29:38,120 --> 00:29:39,560
When my, um...

585
00:29:41,120 --> 00:29:43,200
..when my first niece was born, Lucy,

586
00:29:43,240 --> 00:29:45,880
my lovely brother-in-law, Keith,

587
00:29:45,920 --> 00:29:49,400
rang me to tell me that,
um, I had a new niece.

588
00:29:49,440 --> 00:29:51,760
Ten minutes after the birth.
He didn't need to do that.

589
00:29:51,800 --> 00:29:52,920
It was really sweet of him.

590
00:29:52,960 --> 00:29:55,920
I went, "How did it go?" He goes,
"Oh, my God, your sister was amazing.

591
00:29:55,960 --> 00:29:58,480
"You've got a beautiful,
beautiful niece.

592
00:29:58,520 --> 00:30:00,520
"You'd have been so proud of her."

593
00:30:00,560 --> 00:30:03,880
I went, "Thanks, mate.
Thanks so much for letting me know."

594
00:30:05,120 --> 00:30:08,960
And then I said,
"Um, how did the birth go, Keith?"

595
00:30:09,000 --> 00:30:10,680
Now...

596
00:30:12,200 --> 00:30:14,160
I know he was emotional,

597
00:30:14,200 --> 00:30:16,600
because he'd just seen
his child born -

598
00:30:16,640 --> 00:30:18,640
I still think this is
a little bit weird.

599
00:30:22,760 --> 00:30:27,360
"Yeah, how was the birth itself,
mate? How was the birth itself?"

600
00:30:27,400 --> 00:30:30,280
"Well," he said,
"Greg, people say that

601
00:30:30,320 --> 00:30:32,960
"seeing your children born
is incredibly beautiful

602
00:30:33,000 --> 00:30:36,160
"but, to be honest with you,
to me..."

603
00:30:46,520 --> 00:30:49,000
"It!"

604
00:30:49,040 --> 00:30:53,120
I said, "Presumably by 'it', mate,
you mean my sister's vagina, do you?"

605
00:30:55,520 --> 00:30:56,800
"Oh, you got a lovely niece.

606
00:30:56,840 --> 00:30:59,680
"Yeah. Your sister's fanny looks
like a mashed-up plum crumble."

607
00:31:10,080 --> 00:31:13,040
When I was a teacher for real,
I was a head of year for a bit.

608
00:31:13,080 --> 00:31:15,120
So I was in charge of
a whole year group.

609
00:31:15,160 --> 00:31:17,520
It was Year 7. 11-year-old children.

610
00:31:17,560 --> 00:31:19,960
If you're a parent, you'll know that.
11-year-olds.

611
00:31:20,000 --> 00:31:22,440
I had a lovely tutor
who looked after one group,

612
00:31:22,480 --> 00:31:25,280
a Nigerian gentleman called Thabo.

613
00:31:25,320 --> 00:31:26,880
Very gentle giant.

614
00:31:26,920 --> 00:31:28,800
Um, one Christmas,
I went to see Thabo

615
00:31:28,840 --> 00:31:31,120
and I said, "Hey, Thabo,
it's Christmas.

616
00:31:31,160 --> 00:31:34,680
"Why not take your tutor group out
of the lessons

617
00:31:34,720 --> 00:31:36,160
"and do something fun with them?"

618
00:31:36,200 --> 00:31:38,080
And before I go any further,

619
00:31:38,120 --> 00:31:41,080
God forgive me
for this Nigerian accent.

620
00:31:42,760 --> 00:31:44,800
He said...

621
00:31:44,840 --> 00:31:46,920
NIGERIAN ACCENT:
"What should I do?"

622
00:31:55,040 --> 00:31:57,200
I said, "Whatever you like, mate.
Do something fun.

623
00:31:57,240 --> 00:32:00,120
"Play some games, play some music,
whatever you fancy." He goes...

624
00:32:00,160 --> 00:32:02,200
NIGERIAN ACCENT:
"OK, I will think about it."

625
00:32:02,240 --> 00:32:03,760
So...

626
00:32:05,680 --> 00:32:06,760
So...

627
00:32:08,040 --> 00:32:09,640
I saw him later and I went,

628
00:32:09,680 --> 00:32:12,200
"Hey, Thabo, how was it with the kids
this morning?"

629
00:32:12,240 --> 00:32:15,360
He goes, "Oh, yes,
we had a lovely time."

630
00:32:16,480 --> 00:32:21,120
I said, "What did you do?"
He goes, "I showed them a DVD."

631
00:32:21,160 --> 00:32:22,920
I said, "Oh, great.

632
00:32:22,960 --> 00:32:25,400
"What DVD did you show

633
00:32:25,440 --> 00:32:29,200
"your class of 11-year-old children?"

634
00:32:39,560 --> 00:32:41,760
Everyone's bonkers. Everyone is.

635
00:32:41,800 --> 00:32:44,080
The person I met in recent months

636
00:32:44,120 --> 00:32:46,360
who's the most insane of all of them,
though,

637
00:32:46,400 --> 00:32:49,440
and he's holding down a job,
was a taxi driver, right.

638
00:32:49,480 --> 00:32:51,800
He was a cockney. I flagged him down.

639
00:32:51,840 --> 00:32:55,040
He was a proper, "You love it,
you fuckin' toilet", right?

640
00:32:56,320 --> 00:32:58,120
He has a record for having said

641
00:32:58,160 --> 00:33:01,440
the strangest thing I've ever
heard a human being say,

642
00:33:01,480 --> 00:33:07,200
and his second record is for making
me angrier faster than anyone has.

643
00:33:07,240 --> 00:33:09,880
Cos I was in a perfectly good mood
when I flagged him down,

644
00:33:09,920 --> 00:33:13,080
and he said one sentence that took me
from 0 to 100 miles an hour.

645
00:33:13,120 --> 00:33:15,120
You tell me if I was right
to be angry.

646
00:33:15,160 --> 00:33:17,400
I flagged him down.
He wound his window down.

647
00:33:17,440 --> 00:33:19,680
He went, "All right, Big Bird,
where to?

648
00:33:19,720 --> 00:33:20,800
"Sesame Street?"

649
00:33:29,440 --> 00:33:32,760
So I was already furious.

650
00:33:32,800 --> 00:33:35,480
Then he turned out to be the
strangest human being I've ever met.

651
00:33:35,520 --> 00:33:36,520
We were driving along

652
00:33:36,560 --> 00:33:39,160
and he started listing the contents
of the shops we went by.

653
00:33:39,200 --> 00:33:42,480
"Oh, there's the old DIY shop
over there, Greg.

654
00:33:42,520 --> 00:33:44,800
"That's where you can get
your hammers, your ladders,

655
00:33:44,840 --> 00:33:49,000
"your wheelbarrows, your nuts,
your bolts, your high-vis jackets.

656
00:33:49,040 --> 00:33:52,240
"There's the old wine bar there.
Your red, your white, your rose,

657
00:33:52,280 --> 00:33:53,920
"your nibbles."

658
00:33:53,960 --> 00:33:56,000
I thought, "My God, he's insane."

659
00:33:56,040 --> 00:33:57,400
Then he went to the next level,

660
00:33:57,440 --> 00:34:00,520
cos he said something racist about
a black guy who went past, right?

661
00:34:00,560 --> 00:34:03,080
I wasn't expecting it,
and he said this thing

662
00:34:03,120 --> 00:34:05,080
and he saw me
in his rear-view mirror go...

663
00:34:05,120 --> 00:34:07,160
HE GASPS
..like all of you would have been.

664
00:34:07,200 --> 00:34:09,960
And I thought,
"You racist, you bastard," right?

665
00:34:10,000 --> 00:34:12,680
Then he justified his racism,

666
00:34:12,720 --> 00:34:16,160
and I couldn't take him seriously
as a racist any more.

667
00:34:16,200 --> 00:34:18,880
It was amazing.
He went, "Oh, I'm so sorry.

668
00:34:18,920 --> 00:34:20,360
"I appear to have shocked you

669
00:34:20,400 --> 00:34:22,800
"with my comment about
that black fellow there.

670
00:34:22,840 --> 00:34:24,920
"Please don't think I'm a racialist.

671
00:34:27,160 --> 00:34:30,360
"No, no, no. I get on extremely well
with my neighbour,

672
00:34:30,400 --> 00:34:31,760
"and he is a Chink."

673
00:34:31,800 --> 00:34:32,840
Incredible, right?

674
00:34:36,640 --> 00:34:38,360
This probably reflects terribly on me

675
00:34:38,400 --> 00:34:41,600
that I was more angry about
the Big Bird thing, right?

676
00:34:41,640 --> 00:34:45,360
I'm sitting there gnashing my teeth,
thinking of how I'm going
to get revenge.

677
00:34:45,400 --> 00:34:48,800
I got it so awesomely
ten minutes later.

678
00:34:48,840 --> 00:34:50,680
We drove through the East End
of London,

679
00:34:50,720 --> 00:34:52,360
and we went past a pie and mash shop.

680
00:34:52,400 --> 00:34:55,680
He went, "Oh, there's the old
pie and mash shop there."

681
00:34:55,720 --> 00:34:58,360
And I went, "Oh, right, here we go."
He goes, "No, no, no, no.

682
00:34:58,400 --> 00:35:01,800
"Lovely pie and mash shop. It's the
most delicious pie I've ever had
in there."

683
00:35:01,840 --> 00:35:04,360
And I went, "Oh, right."
He goes, "Yeah, lovely.

684
00:35:04,400 --> 00:35:07,720
"In fact, I went in there
the other day and I asked them...

685
00:35:07,760 --> 00:35:09,560
"I asked them if I could
have the recipe,

686
00:35:09,600 --> 00:35:12,160
"so I could make my family
one of their delicious pies."

687
00:35:12,200 --> 00:35:14,600
I went, "OK. What did they say?"

688
00:35:14,640 --> 00:35:16,400
He says, "Oh, they wouldn't
give it to me.

689
00:35:16,440 --> 00:35:18,880
"They said it was a family secret.

690
00:35:18,920 --> 00:35:21,600
"A family secret."

691
00:35:21,640 --> 00:35:23,600
I said, "Oh, that's a shame."

692
00:35:24,960 --> 00:35:27,120
And then he said it.

693
00:35:27,160 --> 00:35:31,920
He said singly the strangest sentence
I've ever heard in my life.

694
00:35:31,960 --> 00:35:34,680
It will take you a while
to get your heads round it.

695
00:35:34,720 --> 00:35:36,760
Just don't worry. It took me ages.

696
00:35:36,800 --> 00:35:39,880
Just enjoy it. Here it comes.

697
00:35:39,920 --> 00:35:45,280
"Yeah, it is a shame. It is a shame,
Greg, yeah, yeah, yeah, because...

698
00:35:45,320 --> 00:35:48,320
"it's not just pie they put in those,
you know."

699
00:35:48,360 --> 00:35:50,560
LAUGHTER

700
00:35:56,520 --> 00:35:58,000
"Sorry, mate, what was that?"

701
00:35:58,040 --> 00:36:00,360
He says, "It's not just pie
they put in those."

702
00:36:00,400 --> 00:36:02,040
I went, "What? In pies?"

703
00:36:03,520 --> 00:36:04,720
He goes, "Yeah."

704
00:36:04,760 --> 00:36:07,200
I said, "Pie is not an ingredient,
mate."

705
00:36:07,240 --> 00:36:09,720
He went, "You what?"
I said, "Pie, it's not an ingredient.

706
00:36:09,760 --> 00:36:12,720
"It's constituent parts
that have been brought together."

707
00:36:12,760 --> 00:36:15,440
He goes, "What are you fucking
on about? A pie's pie."

708
00:36:15,480 --> 00:36:16,840
I said, "Is it?

709
00:36:16,880 --> 00:36:19,760
"Cos Jamie Oliver's shows will be
a bit shit from now on, won't they?"

710
00:36:19,800 --> 00:36:21,920
He goes, "How do you mean?"
I said, "I'll show you."

711
00:36:21,960 --> 00:36:23,680
AS JAMIE: "Hello, I'm Jamie Oliver.

712
00:36:23,720 --> 00:36:27,040
"Today, I'm making a lovely lasagne.
I'll just get the ingredients.

713
00:36:27,080 --> 00:36:28,440
"A fucking lasagne!"

714
00:36:33,840 --> 00:36:37,600
He goes, "What are you on about?
Lasagne's not a pie!"

715
00:36:37,640 --> 00:36:40,000
I said, "It may as well be!

716
00:36:40,040 --> 00:36:42,680
"So what are you going to do
if you get a flat tyre on your taxi?"

717
00:36:42,720 --> 00:36:44,120
He said, "I'll change the tyre."

718
00:36:44,160 --> 00:36:46,960
I said, "I'm afraid you can't,
because tyre is part of taxi,

719
00:36:47,000 --> 00:36:50,040
"so you must throw taxi away!"

720
00:36:50,080 --> 00:36:51,880
He goes, "What are you on about,
son?"

721
00:36:51,920 --> 00:36:53,520
I said, "Do you not understand?"

722
00:36:53,560 --> 00:36:55,600
He goes, "I haven't got
a fucking clue."

723
00:36:55,640 --> 00:36:57,880
I went,
"All right, I'm going to help you."

724
00:36:57,920 --> 00:36:59,520
He goes, "That'll be nice,
thank you."

725
00:36:59,560 --> 00:37:01,480
I said, "Right,
we'll do a role play."

726
00:37:01,520 --> 00:37:04,920
He went,
"All right, let's do a role play."

727
00:37:04,960 --> 00:37:08,760
This happened in the back of a taxi
in east London.

728
00:37:08,800 --> 00:37:12,240
I went, "Right, I'm going
to explain it to you.

729
00:37:12,280 --> 00:37:14,920
"I'm a cake shop owner."
He went, "I'll have a cake, please."

730
00:37:14,960 --> 00:37:17,320
I went, "Hang on, there's more."
He went, "All right."

731
00:37:18,800 --> 00:37:21,280
I said,
"You've got a serious nut allergy."

732
00:37:21,320 --> 00:37:23,520
He went, "OK. I will factor that in."

733
00:37:28,240 --> 00:37:31,080
So he's driving through London,
and I went...

734
00:37:31,120 --> 00:37:34,160
"Good morning."
"Good morning."

735
00:37:34,200 --> 00:37:37,000
I said, "Can I help you?" He goes,
"Yes, I'd like a cake, please."

736
00:37:37,040 --> 00:37:40,680
I said, "Right, I have several cakes.
Which cake would you like?"

737
00:37:40,720 --> 00:37:42,560
This is when he went up
in my estimation,

738
00:37:42,600 --> 00:37:43,840
cos he genuinely did this.

739
00:37:43,880 --> 00:37:45,400
He went, "I'll have that one there."

740
00:37:48,960 --> 00:37:50,000
Awesome.

741
00:37:51,400 --> 00:37:53,960
And this is when I dealt him
my ace card.

742
00:37:54,000 --> 00:37:56,960
I went, "Ah, that cake,
the Nut Surprise?"

743
00:37:57,000 --> 00:38:01,920
And he went, "Oh, hang on a minute.
I can't have nuts."

744
00:38:01,960 --> 00:38:04,000
And I said, "Oh, dear,
have you got a nut allergy?

745
00:38:04,040 --> 00:38:06,520
And he goes, "Yes, I have."
And I said, "Oh, never mind,

746
00:38:06,560 --> 00:38:07,840
"I'll check the cake for you.

747
00:38:07,880 --> 00:38:11,080
"No. You're absolutely fine
to eat this, sir,

748
00:38:11,120 --> 00:38:15,040
"because the only ingredient in it
is cake!"

749
00:38:16,200 --> 00:38:18,320
He said, "I can see nuts on it
there!"

750
00:38:18,360 --> 00:38:21,640
I said, "You can't, because I baked
this, and all I put in it was cake,

751
00:38:21,680 --> 00:38:24,400
"so put it in your big, fat face
and swell up like a balloon!"

752
00:38:25,920 --> 00:38:28,720
He goes, "What are you on about?
A cake's not a pie!

753
00:38:31,200 --> 00:38:33,400
"A lasagne's not a pie!"

754
00:38:33,440 --> 00:38:36,240
I said, "There's no such thing
as pie!

755
00:38:36,280 --> 00:38:42,320
"A pie is made up of meat, of gravy,
of pastry, and one other thing."

756
00:38:42,360 --> 00:38:43,840
He said, "What's the other thing?"

757
00:38:43,880 --> 00:38:46,800
I said, "I'm not telling you.
It's a family secret!"

758
00:38:54,880 --> 00:38:56,360
APPLAUSE

759
00:38:56,400 --> 00:38:59,360
I had to go for some
medical examinations last year,

760
00:38:59,400 --> 00:39:01,120
some investigations in hospital,

761
00:39:01,160 --> 00:39:03,840
because there was something wrong
with my stomach...

762
00:39:03,880 --> 00:39:07,120
..other than what is clearly
already wrong with my stomach.

763
00:39:11,600 --> 00:39:14,240
I had a pain in it
that I couldn't shift, right?

764
00:39:14,280 --> 00:39:18,880
And so I went through a period in my
life that I now refer to

765
00:39:18,920 --> 00:39:22,200
as my "lucky-dip three-camera
nightmare".

766
00:39:25,160 --> 00:39:27,880
They sent me for a thing
called an endoscopy,

767
00:39:27,920 --> 00:39:30,400
which is a camera
that goes down your throat.

768
00:39:30,440 --> 00:39:32,560
It makes you gag.
It's absolutely revolting, awful.

769
00:39:32,600 --> 00:39:34,960
They didn't find anything wrong
with me there.

770
00:39:35,000 --> 00:39:36,960
Then they sent me
for a colonoscopy...

771
00:39:37,000 --> 00:39:38,800
which some of you
have obviously enjoyed.

772
00:39:38,840 --> 00:39:40,760
Um...

773
00:39:40,800 --> 00:39:44,160
They found nothing up my bum,
nothing.

774
00:39:44,200 --> 00:39:48,360
So then I had to go for my...third
camera.

775
00:39:48,400 --> 00:39:50,320
Um...

776
00:39:50,360 --> 00:39:55,840
Can't actually look at you
when I tell you about this,
because...

777
00:39:55,880 --> 00:39:57,720
I didn't know...

778
00:39:59,560 --> 00:40:03,240
..I didn't know that you can put
a camera in this place.

779
00:40:07,080 --> 00:40:10,320
Because...a man...

780
00:40:10,360 --> 00:40:13,320
a man pushed a camera...

781
00:40:13,360 --> 00:40:15,640
into my penis.

782
00:40:19,240 --> 00:40:20,320
Did you hear me?

783
00:40:22,920 --> 00:40:25,960
It wasn't an SLR,
it was a specialised camera.

784
00:40:28,440 --> 00:40:32,000
Did you know you could have a camera
in your dick?

785
00:40:32,040 --> 00:40:34,280
He pushed it into the tip...

786
00:40:34,320 --> 00:40:36,360
TAPPING RESONATES

787
00:40:36,400 --> 00:40:38,320
He tapped it in.

788
00:40:38,360 --> 00:40:40,440
I thought, "This is unbearable.

789
00:40:40,480 --> 00:40:43,760
"This is a man tapping something
into my knob.

790
00:40:43,800 --> 00:40:47,280
"I'll never...
I'll never, ever get over this."

791
00:40:47,320 --> 00:40:49,320
And he obviously felt awkward too,

792
00:40:49,360 --> 00:40:52,120
because he decided
to make some small talk.

793
00:40:52,160 --> 00:40:56,560
I think if you're a doctor,
you should be better trained

794
00:40:56,600 --> 00:41:01,160
in the art of fucking small talk
than what is written on this.

795
00:41:01,200 --> 00:41:07,200
Cos while a man pushed a camera
into my knob,

796
00:41:07,240 --> 00:41:09,640
he smiled and asked me this...

797
00:41:19,600 --> 00:41:21,600
Everyone's insane.

798
00:41:25,160 --> 00:41:28,920
There's only one person I haven't
really properly dealt with yet,

799
00:41:28,960 --> 00:41:32,960
er, and it's the person who started
this whole show off - my mum. Um...

800
00:41:34,480 --> 00:41:39,520
She...she's the person who called me
abnormal in the first place.

801
00:41:39,560 --> 00:41:42,880
So, now I need some volunteers
to play my parents.

802
00:41:42,920 --> 00:41:44,400
I instantly think you're my dad.

803
00:41:44,440 --> 00:41:47,080
Congratulations.
My dad, ladies and gentlemen!

804
00:41:47,120 --> 00:41:48,640
Try and jump up for me there, mate.

805
00:41:48,680 --> 00:41:49,880
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

806
00:41:49,920 --> 00:41:51,960
Jump up on there if you can.

807
00:41:52,000 --> 00:41:53,640
Oh, that's it.

808
00:41:53,680 --> 00:41:55,400
I need someone to play my mum.

809
00:41:55,440 --> 00:41:58,160
Obviously, you're all
fucking ridiculously young.

810
00:41:58,200 --> 00:42:01,360
I'm thinking you might do it, madam,
with the blue dress, would you?

811
00:42:01,400 --> 00:42:04,120
Not that...not that you could
possibly be my mother, of course.

812
00:42:04,160 --> 00:42:06,000
My mum, ladies and gentlemen!

813
00:42:11,200 --> 00:42:13,840
I'll have to lift you.
I'll cover you. That's it.

814
00:42:16,360 --> 00:42:18,320
Hoi!

815
00:42:18,360 --> 00:42:19,360
So, last year...

816
00:42:19,400 --> 00:42:22,480
no, it was the year before last,
actually, I got to do this amazing
thing.

817
00:42:22,520 --> 00:42:26,200
I got to do this show called, um,
World's Most Dangerous Roads.

818
00:42:26,240 --> 00:42:28,600
Did anyone see that show?
SOME AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Yes!

819
00:42:28,640 --> 00:42:31,960
I went with the hugely overrated
bell-end comedian, Rhod Gilbert.

820
00:42:32,000 --> 00:42:33,320
Um...

821
00:42:36,920 --> 00:42:39,280
Er, obviously,
Rhod's a really good mate of mine,

822
00:42:39,320 --> 00:42:41,800
and the thing about me and Rhod is,
we both had proper jobs

823
00:42:41,840 --> 00:42:43,520
before we did this bullshit,

824
00:42:43,560 --> 00:42:45,720
so we know that we're lucky
to do these things.

825
00:42:45,760 --> 00:42:48,240
So we were proper excited
about going to Nepal.

826
00:42:48,280 --> 00:42:49,880
I think anyone would be.

827
00:42:49,920 --> 00:42:53,080
And I think it's a beautiful place,
and I think anyone,

828
00:42:53,120 --> 00:42:55,560
in their right mind, a normal person,

829
00:42:55,600 --> 00:43:00,080
would ring their mum up and tell them
how excited they were, right?

830
00:43:01,680 --> 00:43:04,120
Here's the phone call I had with her.

831
00:43:04,160 --> 00:43:05,720
You tell me who's normal.

832
00:43:08,560 --> 00:43:10,680
Are you ready?
Yes.

833
00:43:10,720 --> 00:43:13,280
"Hello, Mum."
"Hello, love."

834
00:43:13,320 --> 00:43:17,160
"Amazing news. Rhod and I...

835
00:43:17,200 --> 00:43:19,680
"Rhod and I are going to Nepal
to do some filming."

836
00:43:19,720 --> 00:43:23,360
"Oh, God! Well, don't go
to the toilet outside."

837
00:43:24,560 --> 00:43:26,920
Already weird.

838
00:43:26,960 --> 00:43:31,920
"Don't go to the toilet outside,"
is the first thing she said to me.

839
00:43:31,960 --> 00:43:33,720
"What? Why?"

840
00:43:33,760 --> 00:43:35,840
"There might be one of those fish."

841
00:43:44,800 --> 00:43:46,480
"I'm sorry. What fish?"

842
00:43:46,520 --> 00:43:49,800
"One of those fish
that swims up your winky."

843
00:43:53,080 --> 00:43:55,360
"What the hell are you talking
about?"

844
00:43:55,400 --> 00:43:59,520
"Go on, laugh at me, but they exist.
I read about them on the internet."

845
00:43:59,560 --> 00:44:03,560
"Yes, you'll forgive me if I don't
take your internet research
seriously, Mum.

846
00:44:03,600 --> 00:44:07,920
"Last week, you told me that
Diet Coke contains monkey stem cells.

847
00:44:09,720 --> 00:44:13,800
"And now I have to worry about a fish
that doesn't even live in Nepal, do
I?"

848
00:44:13,840 --> 00:44:16,240
"How do you know
they don't live in Nepal?"

849
00:44:16,280 --> 00:44:20,160
"Well, I'm guessing that perhaps
the Himalayan mountain range

850
00:44:20,200 --> 00:44:22,120
"puts fish off."

851
00:44:30,920 --> 00:44:32,640
"They might have got there."

852
00:44:34,040 --> 00:44:36,680
"You think there might be a fish
living up a mountain

853
00:44:36,720 --> 00:44:38,320
"that wants to swim up my penis?"

854
00:44:38,360 --> 00:44:40,120
"Yes, I do."

855
00:44:40,160 --> 00:44:42,920
"How? How has it got there?

856
00:44:42,960 --> 00:44:45,280
"Has it climbed using its little fins

857
00:44:45,320 --> 00:44:48,800
"just in case it gets the chance
to swim up my wang?"

858
00:44:48,840 --> 00:44:50,160
"Oh, here we go."

859
00:44:50,200 --> 00:44:51,480
"What do you mean, here we go?"

860
00:44:51,520 --> 00:44:53,000
"I knew it wouldn't be long

861
00:44:53,040 --> 00:44:56,120
"before we started taking the mickey
out of the silly old woman.

862
00:44:56,160 --> 00:44:59,400
"I suppose this is going to turn
into a stand-up routine, is it?"

863
00:44:59,440 --> 00:45:01,560
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

864
00:45:05,640 --> 00:45:07,080
"No."

865
00:45:10,320 --> 00:45:11,720
"It is. I can hear it now.

866
00:45:11,760 --> 00:45:14,280
"'You'll never guess what
my stupid mum said this time.'"

867
00:45:14,320 --> 00:45:16,400
"I wouldn't do that to you."

868
00:45:20,840 --> 00:45:25,400
"You did last year on tour, on
television. I was a laughing stock
in this town."

869
00:45:25,440 --> 00:45:27,480
"I wasn't rude about you on
television."

870
00:45:27,520 --> 00:45:31,040
"You told me to fuck off on
Have I Got News For You."

871
00:45:33,920 --> 00:45:37,200
"That was a terrible mistake.
They told me they'd bleep it."

872
00:45:40,280 --> 00:45:44,880
"My friends were horrified. Promise
me this won't end up on stage."

873
00:45:44,920 --> 00:45:46,920
"I promise."

874
00:45:50,720 --> 00:45:52,800
"I mean it, Greg. Swear it."

875
00:45:52,840 --> 00:45:54,560
"I swear it.

876
00:45:56,200 --> 00:45:57,800
"On Darren's wife's life."

877
00:46:05,880 --> 00:46:07,640
"This isn't funny. I mean it."

878
00:46:07,680 --> 00:46:10,560
"I promise it won't turn into a
routine."

879
00:46:10,600 --> 00:46:13,480
"Thank you. I'll get your dad."

880
00:46:13,520 --> 00:46:15,680
"I hear you've got fish
stuck up your knob."

881
00:46:15,720 --> 00:46:17,600
Lovely! Nailed it!

882
00:46:18,800 --> 00:46:20,240
My parents, ladies and gentlemen!

883
00:46:20,280 --> 00:46:22,040
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

884
00:46:22,080 --> 00:46:23,200
Do you want some help?

885
00:46:24,720 --> 00:46:26,360
Thank you.

886
00:46:29,320 --> 00:46:32,440
I just want to end by saying...

887
00:46:32,480 --> 00:46:35,360
it is my profound belief in life,

888
00:46:35,400 --> 00:46:39,320
ladies and gentlemen, that every
now and again, you should...

889
00:46:40,880 --> 00:46:42,760
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

890
00:46:52,960 --> 00:46:58,400
..every now and again, you should
just head-butt the wedding cake.

891
00:46:58,440 --> 00:47:02,240
Thank you, Salford. Goodnight.

892
00:47:02,280 --> 00:47:04,280
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

893
00:47:19,120 --> 00:47:21,760
MUSIC: Boom Shack-A-Lak
by Apache Indian